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Early in life, I began to understand this was God’s plan for me … for purpose. Yes, he, my loving father, had allowed this, had even orchestrated it for my benefit in faithfulness to me. As I spent time with him one morning he shared with me this verse:
I know, Lord, that Your judgments are just and that You have afflicted me fairly. Psalm 119:75
The version I read that morning said, “and in faithfulness you have afflicted me.” I continue to see that not only is God faithful, but loving. He saw me. Wanting to teach me something, he’d designed this, a special discipline for me. I didn’t need to know His purpose, but I could rest knowing this was the reason I was here. He was being faithful to me.
Crazy … that’s how it sounds to most people when you say you’re fine with (even blessed) having epilepsy because God is using it for His glory and your benefit. But, for me, it was the truth. Over the course of many years I’ve had many tell me I need to be healed. Some believed me to have a demon deep within. Some sincerely wanted to see me healed. I wanted to see me healed. Being blessed by God’s molding and making gave me great desire for his healing touch, for when you’ve met with Jesus you just want more. I was crying out.
I knew from the very beginning that healing was possible. I believe God is the creator of the universe and sustains all things by his powerful word. So, he is more than able to heal me, but for a long time I didn’t believe that he would for one simple reason: He hadn’t told me. Working on me and being faithful in the midst of all of my pain, he’d communicated nothing along these lines. He was sustaining me. He was disciplining me. He was communicating so much, just not that. I had been crying out for complete healing for years, walking through the trial. But, there seemed to be still, silence when I asked about healing. I took it for his NO and rejoiced in the knowledge that God saw me and would continue to work out His plan in His time.
“It’s not a disease, it’s a condition.” Filtering in and out, this phrase became a motto. When you have a condition it’s some comfort that “it’s not a disease”, but it also means you’re probably stuck with it. Dwelling with epilepsy seemed difficult, disease or not, and it was still so unknown. Those of us who’ve lived with this particular condition and those of you who’ve cared for us understand this dilemma. Educated guesses lead to a solution, hopefully, but in the end it’s all trial and error.
I experienced this trial and error a great deal in my adolescent years. I was working through who I was and who I would become under the shadow of the ever-present threat of seizure. I was also under another shadow. God almighty had me under his wing and I was learning to take refuge there.
I had my first seizure around 4:30 am one morning as my Dad and I read the bible together. What a beautiful place God chose to begin this journey with me! Initially, what I understood of my circumstance let to questioning … WHY? Hate came next. I hated this condition, the way I felt, the way I felt people looked at me because of it and the answers that just weren’t there. Love entered in, however and I began to understand. God was so close, loved me so much and was using people all around me to bless my life and hold me up through all the pain. He was building a family that was closer than ever before. He was opening my eyes to the reality of the pain of others and as I saw through his lens everything I’d believed based on my feelings melted away in His truth. The deepening of the journey gently continues.
2007 brought a promise of physical healing from the Lord. It has changed my heart and my life and I have no doubt will continue to change me as I wonder and stand in awe of who God is. 2009 began the worst year of seizures I’ve ever experienced. God worked in and through them and I hold is still bigger than the trials of life. He is enough! Another promise came that year revealing God’s method of healing. This is the first part of a great journey.
Stories Collide:
Here these two stories collide: the story of my epilepsy and Eben’s birth … both are, I believe, a beautifully woven masterpiece proclaiming God’s love and faithfulness. We have only to look and see through His lens. I’m seeing that masterpiece more each day.
Epilepsy has been a part of my life since childhood (5th grade to be exact). This is not the story of the physical journey, but the more intimate walk I’ve been on with the Lord, daily questioning, praising, crying, and even complaining. It has been a place of struggle, confusion, doubt, assurance, surrender, quiet, solitude, agony, despair, love, hate … it has been for me a beautiful nightmare of grace. I have not been alone. God has been with me. Following is that story and the reason I can say with my whole heart, I’d do it again. This is a healing journey.
When it rains it pours! I’ve heard that phrase several times these last few weeks and it has seemed like the torrents of life have indeed come crashing in. But, God is holding us together and giving us what we need. I am continually blessed to be His.
These past few weeks have been filled with graduations (our new term for the death of those in our lives in the presence of Jesus); and with all that has been happening in our lives I fear I’ve been lax to keep up on the blog. It will continue. Life goes on and the story is never complete. Thank you for reading, for waiting, for praying.
After two days of antibiotics, observation, and continual hope of coming home we finally spent the night in our own bed! Though tired and weak, I am experiencing no pain and for the first time in awhile. I can laugh, breath, eat … move with comfortable ease. Enjoy all those things your body is doing effectively … it is a blessing far beyond words!
3 John 1:2 Dear friend, I pray that all may go well with you and that you may be in good health, just as it is well with your soul.
(This was written long before Eben’s birth, but I never got the chance to post it. It has never meant more than it does at this moment.)
Continually God shows up! There are days when strength seems sapped and I wonder, oh Lord, what are you doing? And, instead of answering the burning question, his Spirit comes and gives me what I need.
As I sat pondering that particular day, God brought to mind Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. Three men known for not bowing to king Nebuchadnezzar and being thrown into a blazing furnace, they make an impression and a great story. As I re-read Daniel 3 however, God directed my heart to the statements about Himself.
Daniel 3:17-18: “If the God we serve exists, then He can rescue us from the furnace of blazing fire, and He can rescue us from the power of you, the king. 18. But even if He does not rescue us, we want you as king to know that we will not serve your gods or worship the gold statue you set up.”
My heart and eyes landed on the words, “but even if He does not rescue us.” Knowing the rest of the story, I knew they were thrown into the furnace, but that God was with them in it and that He saved them from it. Still those words and that concept … God is able to save, but I must be willing to surrender my body to the flames. God is able to save this baby, but if he does not I must praise!
Questions had been burning in my mind, but now it was as if God was asking me the questions. Would I praise HIM in all things? Was I willing to be thrown into the furnace … to give up my son, to surrender to His plan? I think the question remains and is continual. I pray I am found … surrendered, praising.
After an ultrasound and reviews by several doctors, it was determined that material was still present in the uterus. They strongly suggested a procedure to remove this. Yesterday afternoon, Lois underwent a DNC which we believe was successful in clearing. Immediately Lois began to feel better. No longer does she have the sharp pain, rather, a natural soreness/healing pain. They require 48 hours of observation after the procedure, so we will be in the hospital until, at least, Friday afternoon.
Lois is doing remarkable better and we are positively on the right track.
Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers.
grant and lois
Well, after one night at home, would you believe we are back in the hospital? Ug. And what an emotional rollercoaster it has been. Lois has been experiencing some pain, that was thought to be bowel issues from all the meds and being in the hospital. After going home and figuring out that bowels weren’t the issue, we began to wonder what else could be the cause. While attempting to schedule a follow-up visit with our doctor and describing the situation to the scheduling nurse, she told us that we needed to come in to make sure. Of course this was after clinic hours but the nurse told us to bypass the Emergency Department and go directly to the hospital floor that was our home for the past week.
After arriving the hospital, we were told that we could not come direct to the floor but had to utilize the ED. So we turned around and headed that way. I imagine most EDs are busy, but I believe we caught this one on one of it busiest days. After checking in and waiting approximately 2 hours God had mercy on us and sent one of the doctors that delivered Eben, from the hospital to the ED. She was there to consult on another patient and recognized our plight. She made a few calls and then collected us to bring us to the hospital.
Back on the Labor & Delivery floor, they began the process of determining the source of the pain. After drawing blood for yet another round of labs, they did determine that the platelets are back to normal. As far as the issue at hand, they believe it to be endometritis. They have readmitted us into a room and started antibiotics. So here we are again, up and down then a loop with a twist. Those of you who know me may have heard my theory on rollercoasters. I believe you get a certain amount of rollercoaster rides in your lifetime and once you have ridden those you are done riding. Then when you have kids, it is like the discover card, you get a certain amount of rides back. I believe I may have reached the end of my metaphorical rollercoaster days.
Pray that the docs get this under control as this condition could lead to issues for Lois currently, as well as for future possible pregnancies.
God is STILL in Control.
grant and lois
All, quick update to Praise the Lord, that we were released from the hospital today and have returned home. It will take some time for Lois to fully recover but enough progress has been made to allow us to do the rest at home.
grant and lois
The outpouring of love and support during this time has been overwhelming. God has met us in a way that is indescribable. We have come to a place of true “peace that passes all understanding”. That scripture verse is so accurate to what God is doing in us right now. We have an amazing peace that we have zero understanding of.
For a quick update on Lois’ condition, we have been up and down these past few days. After the delivery and passing of the placenta, which was the culprit in all of this, Lois immediately began to trend in a better direction regarding her liver and platelets. Then once some of the medications began to clear her system, she took a turn for the worse. Yesterday, due to this fact, the docs decided to reintroduce one of the iv meds as a precaution. We were supposed to be on this medication until 10pm this evening, but, PRAISE THE LORD, as her numbers have turned back in the right direction, they took her off those meds today at Noon. They are continuing to fight some infection but are very positive about our current situation.
We will continue to be in the hospital, at the least, today and tomorrow. Pray for God’s continual healing for Lois and that He would continue to meet us emotionally as I am sure the grieving process is far from over.
grant and lois
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