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We arrived home for good after several days of hospital recovery, a trip home and a trip back to the hospital for a DNC and another week of observation. Exhausted, weak and an emotional wreck I wanted nothing more than to hide myself away and grieve in silence the son God chose to take home. Days, however were filled with familiar faces and seas of sound I wanted to be able to drown in. Instead I felt trapped, as if in a dream … being shot at, but unable to move – I wanted to run.
We are not always placed in the middle of our ideal. Instead of strength to strength I felt I was going from struggle to struggle. How could losing a child hurt so much? It felt like a part of me had been ripped out and no one around me could understand. I was ALONE!
I knew it was a lie. The enemy always likes to make you think you’re alone. But, though I knew in my mind I was not, I could not make myself feel loved. Days were passing slowly and the idea that healing may have occurred seemed a blip on the radar in the craziness of the storm raging round us.
Death has a funny way of bringing life. I see the masterpiece of its design more as time goes by and God makes us truly ALIVE. At the same time I was grieving Eben, God was bringing to me understanding of the wholeness he had already brought to my life through the little boy he had given. My husband always says God is multi-faceted. He is. He does ALL things well! This was more than a physical healing. Jesus was healing my heart! Why would I doubt his heart for me as it pertained to the rest of His plan?
For, we walk by faith, not by sight. 2 Cor. 5:7
We live in a generation … a time and place where faith is little more than a positive thought … a wish, a hope and for some, perhaps, a prayer. I’m going to ask you a question … do you believe God? I’m not asking if you believe IN GOD. If you don’t, this is irrelevant. But if you claim to believe IN GOD, do you BELIEVE GOD?
Honesty, I’d imagine, reveals at our core some doubt. Is God really going to take care of me? Is this really what he wants? Did I hear him right? That just sounds too crazy to be true. And on it goes. The reality is that believing God requires knowing him and knowing him requires an investment … time with him.
Walking this healing journey has not been easy. I’ve asked many questions. The enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy and I’m often just making a choice. Will I believe or give in to what I feel? I falter, I fall, but I’m choosing to BELIEVE GOD! God still heals! God still speaks! God has not changed! We hear these things, so many things, but do we BELIEVE? I’ve met more Christian skeptics than prayer warriors on this journey. My heart still clings to Jesus … I still BELIEVE GOD … HE IS MY HEALER!
God’s heart is specifically for YOU … for your BEST … for your good … BELIEVE GOD!
29 weeks brought severe chest and shoulder pain and after much deliberation it was determined I had pre-eclampsia. I‘d had it since the beginning of the pregnancy, unnoticed. God had purpose in the time I was able to carry our son and I treasure every moment we shared. There was no solution, but to birth this baby.
I entered the three most intense days of my life. For those who prayed, thank you … you are the reason we made it. I was awake for three days straight. This is not beneficial for someone with epilepsy as sleep deprivation almost always triggers a seizure. I made it through seizure free.
Though I was awake, not everyone around me could keep their eyes open. There were shift changes here and there and I had moments alone, still … quiet. In the darkness of that delivery room one night I lay, processing the pain and through the blur of my exhaustion God filled my heart with this message from Psalm 103:
Praise the LORD, oh my soul, and forget not all his benefits –
Who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,
Who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
Who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the Eagles. ….
Praise the LORD, oh my soul, and forget not all his benefits –
Who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases.
I was tripping over the other words, getting them out of order in my head, but these were the steady few …
Who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases.
Tears flowed from my eyes. Filled with the drugs I’d been taking they felt so cleansing as they burned down my cheeks and as this message soaked into my spirit I was reminded once again of the promise and the fulfillment that would soon take place. I could not yet see it with my eyes, but I had to believe it was being accomplished.
We had been talking about children and made a decision … we’d start trying when I was 6 months seizure free. That would have been mid-May, 2010. Enter in … God’s plan … much different, often, than our own. We discovered February 5th that we were about a month in to a wonderful new thing called pregnancy. We were surprised. We’d actually been doing all we could to prevent. God is much bigger than our planning!
In the midst of excitement and disbelief was a wonder and hope that this was the child God was going to use to heal my body. Looking back, it was a wonderful, emotional, mournful, joyful … rollercoaster journey. Almost immediately I had a warning from the Lord. In my spirit I sensed this baby might not make it. It was hard to hear and I dismissed it, not allowing myself any room to believe it, nor did I speak of it for quite a while.
When my water broke on week 15 and it was confirmed there was no more fluid in my womb I came home and cried like a baby. I mourned for this child as if he were gone. I knew it was a boy … God had told us that too, and though no one else may have believed it, I knew. I was seeing as I looked at everything God had done and said in the past days, months and years that He was right. He’d done everything he said he would do. And as I thought about his message of healing I knew this baby would be born naturally.
Questions had been raging all about us regarding the birth of our child and as the weeks passed, the dr.’s concern and amazement both climaxed. It was rare to carry a child this long after a situation like ours occurred and it was amazing that I was not visibly sick. One of the possibilities talked about was c-section, but in my time with the Lord he’d spoken of the first child, a boy breaking out of the womb, being born, belonging to God. I knew this was our child.
As I pushed through the questions and cried out to the Lord I began to feel hopeful. The longer I carried, the more hope I had that he would be healthy … have a good chance for earthly life. Questions regarding the pregnancy trumped all my questions about healing. I believed God would do it in his timing through childbirth. I was choosing to believe, based on what God had shown me in his word and by his action, that this was the child he had brought for healing purpose. If for some reason he had another plan, he’d reveal it in his time, I was listening.
Days turned into weeks, which turned into months that then became years. In August of 2008 Grant informed me that during the depths of sleep one night I cried, “Jesus heal me, heal me quickly.” More months passed. We moved to Colorado in May of 2009 and I continued the most active seizure year I’ve ever experienced. God met me in the physical valley and carried me through the aftermath of pain. For the first time I cried out to God in true desperation. Knowing what he had promised I left my life in his hands. He was free to do as he would.
Waiting for some time now, watching, wondering how God would enact this beautiful promise I’d neglected the possibility that he’d speak to me regarding its specifics. I was moving forward under the impression that one day, in his timing, God would heal my body and the promise would be fulfilled. Mundane chores were taking up my day … cleaning, washing, eating, the list goes on … Holy Spirit interruption. I wasn’t reading or praying … nothing “spiritual” being done. God chose that moment and spoke to me as friends do. The message was clear, “You will be healed through childbirth.”
It came and went so fast my momentary lapse of doubt was eaten up by the knowledge that left to myself, this would never have entered my mind. But, I wasn’t pregnant … yet. Telling my husband got this response … “well, we’re not gonna get pregnant, just to test it out.” I have to admit I was a bit deflated. In a way I agreed, but I really wanted to test this promise. I knew, however, that God would confirm his plan, enact his purposes and lead us along straight paths. I would just have to wait.
Confirmation came quickly. As I was talking with my brother one day he said, “Lois, I have this feeling God is going to heal you through childbirth.” My mouth just about dropped open. I hadn’t shared this with anyone yet except Grant. Yet in this moment was still a question … will it be my first pregnancy? Second? Third? How many children will I have before the promise is fulfilled? I could only pray it would be the first.
Following this message was seizure after seizure. I was hospitalized, placed in a coma, weak and unable to remember simple things I’d known for a lifetime. My condition seemed to be getting worse and the reality that cried out in my mind ran contrary to the message of healing and life. Finally able to return home, but with a lack of memory and a weakened voice I cried on my knees to the Lord, “heal me! If you want to take my life, take it, but if you’re going to leave me here, heal me, for your glory!”
I still have my earthly life. God restored my voice and my memory … he is the almighty healer!
Though God had spoken clearly, he’d still given no indication regarding his timing for my healing. Would it be days? Weeks? Months? Maybe Years? Knowing His plan was perfect I waited. The excitement of healing, quickly turned to an expectancy towards God’s doing. He wanted me to be looking and longing for Him, not the healing he’d already promised. He is accompanied by good gifts, but to miss out on Him was to miss everything. What transpired in my time with the Lord that morning served to solidify my confidence in Him and cause my heart to rejoice in faith. God would be faithful to his promise!
I found in the weeks and months following a necessity to come always before the Lord to hear his heart and his voice on the matter and REMEMBER. Forgetting comes quickly, making succumbing to the lies that sneak in without warning so much easier. This was not my desire, nor was it my intention, but when God delivers his message the enemy is there attempting to steal, kill and destroy.
As soon as God spoke, confirming his message to me I knew I’d need to testify to what God was doing in my life. I’d grown up in a Christian home and “testimony” was a familiar word. Sharing Christ … well, it had been sharing who he was. I had a story, but allowing others to see Christ in me via such a personal message? And what if it was wrong … what if I was wrong?
Through struggle and obedience the Lord began to reveal the reality of my heart condition, the fear that lingered so deeply within me and as the calendar slowly turned I began to see more clearly. I was made to glorify JESUS, to reflect him, to be like him.
As I read I found out who he is:
John 3:32 He testifies about what he has seen and heard, but no one accepts his testimony.
And who I was to be:
John 14:12 I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father.
Though the world seemed often against me, God provided a beautiful few to encourage my heart. God was asking me to believe and testify. Resting in him, obedient, I must continue to walk in faith … in hope, against hope (rom. 4:18).
Mary … Mary??? Which one? I racked my brain trying to get a grip on where I’d find Mary in the bible. I should know this! I however, was unable to come up with a passage and even then … maybe I had the wrong Mary. When we are weak, He is strong. Immediately, upon admitting my inadequacy God took me to Luke 1&2.
Zechariah had been told (via angel of the Lord) that his wife, Elizabeth would give birth to a son and they would name him John. He says, “How can I know this?” (Luke 1:18) This was what I had been asking regarding my healing … I just stared at the page … yes, Lord, how can I know this?
As I continued reading, Mary came into view and the birth announcement of the Messiah. I was reminded that if you were going to trust God in anything, virgin birth would be challenging. Over and over God was drawing my attention to the word LISTEN in the scripture. Did I need to LISTEN? Following was the scripture that has come to mean so much on this journey of love with the Lord.
Luke 1:45 She who has believed is blessed because what was spoken to her by the LORD will be fulfilled. (And again in my spirit – you will be healed)
Really? … I’d begun thinking again. I still longed to be sure. I said, “Lord, I’m spending the next three days seeking you about this specifically.” I wanted not to doubt, but also not to run ahead with something if it was coming from a flawed desire in me. I continued reading the next day in Isaiah 43 and God began to confirm. God knows what we need. I was not demanding answers, but as I sought him he provided the clarity he knew I needed. He knew where my heart was and what I struggled with. I asked and He answered.
He spoke to me of who He was and who I was. My heart became filled with the majesty of Jesus and in those moments you know everything is possible.
Isaiah 44. Vs. 6-7 “This is what the LORD, the King of Israel and its Redeemer, the LORD of Hosts says: I am the first and I am the last. There is no God but Me. Who, like me, can announce the future?”
This is what he had done just the morning before … did I trust him?
Ours was a relationship and God presented me something to do that morning. In the stillness of this rejoicing he wanted me to ask for my healing, not doubting that it was he who would accomplish it. My heart was yet unsure if I was faithful or a doubter.
James 1:6, “But let him ask in faith without doubting. For the doubter is like the surging sea, driven and tossed by the wind. “
I’d returned home from visiting family. It was May 15, 2007. Grant was on the road that night and I lay in our Chicago apt., soaking in silence. Only the train rounding the bend occasionally interrupted what would have otherwise been serene. I sat now, book in hand, purposing to finish what i had started at the genesis of my trip just days before.
Purchased at Borders before I set foot on the plane I had, for some reason, asked the Lord … “Should I read the bible or the book?” (I had to have something to occupy my time in the airport). As plain as day I’d “heard” in my thoughts – read the book. It was titled 90 Minutes in Heaven and was the story of a man that died, went to heaven, then came back to earth.
I don’t remember if I put the book down or if I dropped it, but I woke up feeling sick (seizure sick) … alone. Lying on the floor, not quite comprehending, I wondered why I felt this way. Understanding my reality came slowly. Unlike other times, my notification was internal. With the knowledge came more questions and I asked, “Lord, what is this all about?”
I rose the next morning, much like other mornings, and sat down to spend time with Jesus. I approach my time with my Father believing He has an agenda I may not be aware of. So, often I ask Him to show me where to read, to guide me along straight paths. He began our morning, directing my attention to Isaiah 42. Verses 5-9 stood off the page and I read them over, again and again. God, who gives life, was speaking truth to my heart. He was speaking to me of purpose and vision from His point of view.
I was scarcely prepared for the change the Holy Spirit would work in me through verse nine and the message that followed. I read, “The past events have indeed happened. Now I declare new events; I announce them to you before they occur.” A voice in my spirit followed saying, “You will be healed.” It was as if someone was standing next to me. I felt joy and promise for a freedom from epilepsy, but my mind instantly questioned. I was stunned. I was moving, pacing our apartment, but my body didn’t feel it … my mind was completely involved in the wonder and the question of the promise. I looked out the window and smiling wide said over and over, “I’m going to be healed.”
Remembering I had been reading before the seizure, I thought it prudent to mark my spot. Flipping through the pages I reached the place I’d left, conveniently at a chapter break. The verse at the top of the page said, “I will give you back your health and heal your wounds, says the Lord. Now you are called an outcast – Jerusalem for whom nobody cares.” Jeremiah 30:17. I cried.
Jeremiah 29:13: You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Conflict tore at my soul once again. Every so often I’d question God’s plan in my life regarding the concept of healing. Was he willing to heal me now? I’d just returned home from my weekly bible study, having been prayed and prophesied over (not a usual occurrence). Many had prayed for my healing over the years, but few had spoken over me with deep conviction and the assurance that comes with a word from the Lord. Here I was, however, warring with the possibility of healing based on these words from another: “I believe God’s saying He’s going to heal you.”
Really? He hadn’t told me. What was God doing? I knew God could speak through other people. But, why not just tell me? I was available and listening! How could I know if this was a word from the Lord? There was only one- way … wait and see:
Deut. 18:22 Whenever a prophet speaks in my name and the prediction is not fulfilled, then I have not spoken it; the prophet has presumed to speak it, so you need not fear him.”
Face to face with my doubt and a mounting confusion brought on by the questions my heart had been battling, I ran for cover. I knew no answer, save one, but He was always enough. Time with Jesus brought me to this place: understanding … he is the great physician, but at the time, that was not his word for me. As much as I read passages about physical healing I didn’t sense the Holy Spirit speaking his purpose to do that in me. If he was truly speaking that word to others for me, and it was his word, he would confirm that to me in his time. I would see the prediction fulfilled. If not, it wasn’t His plan in the first place.
Heeding others claiming to know what I needed always brought me to a place of dilemma. Meeting with Jesus, things seemed so clear and simple. He let me have questions and be confused and wonder and cry at his feet and as I lay my heart bare before him I once again felt free. I was free to keep praying for healing. God wanted me to cry out for the desire of my heart … the desire for healing he’d placed there. He also wanted me to persevere in the reality of my condition knowing that He was able and would guide me along straight paths. I didn’t have to fret or try to manipulate it or figure it out. I just had to seek Him with all my heart. He’d do the rest. And, he has.
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