like chips.


Photo By: Laura Ruth

“Hello.  Goodbye.  Hello. Goodbye …  Should I make brownies?”  On goes the inner dialogue.  I sit and gaze at the blank page and … no words.  Inevitably, I’m left with brownies.   I’d better get writing!

I’ve been avoiding this.  That’s the only explanation.   Writing will bring the truth home, but do I want to see it on paper?  And, oh, the baby’s up!


Round 2? … It hit me some weeks ago that I’d become stale.  Like chips left open just long enough, I didn’t have any life left.  I felt like I was moving through my days, just making it.  It had become a new sort of reality I’d somehow accepted.  Why didn’t I want to pray?  Why wasn’t I seeking others who would challenge me? Why was I in a rut … an ugly one?  Had I really made it back here? Was this what it was to backslide?

O, yes.  I’ve been here before.  It seems I’m prone to wander as the song says: “Prone to wander, Lord I feel it … Prone to leave the God I love.”  This time, the God I love reminded me he loved me through this stale cycle I’d chosen.  I could see him … hear him calling, but I remained silent.  Instead of responding I sat, like a stale chip, waiting for my voice to return.  It felt lost somehow and I felt broken.  I wasn’t sure how it happened exactly.  I just stopped pressing in to listen and the slow decline began.  I didn’t even notice when my stale state set in.

I was hopeful for a major life event.  That usually spices up life with the Lord.  I hadn’t been FEELING like I needed him.  I knew I needed him … knew I needed him BAD.  Some drama would bring me to my knees.  But, when I’m “doing well” … what then?

Ah, revelation creeps in.  Without him I can accomplish nothing (John 15:5).   And that’s what I was doing … accomplishing nothing.  But, this time, there was no tornado … no illness to drive me to the place I needed most.  He wanted me to cry out this time in the calm.  Life was throwing me no wrenches right now … would I still cry out?

Without the pain to prompt or the drama to encourage my heart to run after solace … I am still needy.  On my own I’m still empty and dry.  On my own, there is no “doing well.”  On my own … accomplishing NOTHING is where I live.  And that’s what I’ve felt these past days.


Crying out, admitting your failure … it’s not easy.   I sat down and wasn’t sure where to start.  And, this was not the blog I intended to write. Some days, things just turn out different than you plan.

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