Photo By: Laura Ruth
“Hello. Goodbye. Hello. Goodbye … Should I make brownies?” On goes the inner dialogue. I sit and gaze at the blank page and … no words. Inevitably, I’m left with brownies. I’d better get writing!
I’ve been avoiding this. That’s the only explanation. Writing will bring the truth home, but do I want to see it on paper? And, oh, the baby’s up!
PAUSE.
Round 2? … It hit me some weeks ago that I’d become stale. Like chips left open just long enough, I didn’t have any life left. I felt like I was moving through my days, just making it. It had become a new sort of reality I’d somehow accepted. Why didn’t I want to pray? Why wasn’t I seeking others who would challenge me? Why was I in a rut … an ugly one? Had I really made it back here? Was this what it was to backslide?
O, yes. I’ve been here before. It seems I’m prone to wander as the song says: “Prone to wander, Lord I feel it … Prone to leave the God I love.” This time, the God I love reminded me he loved me through this stale cycle I’d chosen. I could see him … hear him calling, but I remained silent. Instead of responding I sat, like a stale chip, waiting for my voice to return. It felt lost somehow and I felt broken. I wasn’t sure how it happened exactly. I just stopped pressing in to listen and the slow decline began. I didn’t even notice when my stale state set in.
I was hopeful for a major life event. That usually spices up life with the Lord. I hadn’t been FEELING like I needed him. I knew I needed him … knew I needed him BAD. Some drama would bring me to my knees. But, when I’m “doing well” … what then?
Ah, revelation creeps in. Without him I can accomplish nothing (John 15:5). And that’s what I was doing … accomplishing nothing. But, this time, there was no tornado … no illness to drive me to the place I needed most. He wanted me to cry out this time in the calm. Life was throwing me no wrenches right now … would I still cry out?
Without the pain to prompt or the drama to encourage my heart to run after solace … I am still needy. On my own I’m still empty and dry. On my own, there is no “doing well.” On my own … accomplishing NOTHING is where I live. And that’s what I’ve felt these past days.
SIGH.
Crying out, admitting your failure … it’s not easy. I sat down and wasn’t sure where to start. And, this was not the blog I intended to write. Some days, things just turn out different than you plan.