Early in life, I began to understand this was God’s plan for me … for purpose. Yes, he, my loving father, had allowed this, had even orchestrated it for my benefit in faithfulness to me. As I spent time with him one morning he shared with me this verse:
I know, Lord, that Your judgments are just and that You have afflicted me fairly. Psalm 119:75
The version I read that morning said, “and in faithfulness you have afflicted me.” I continue to see that not only is God faithful, but loving. He saw me. Wanting to teach me something, he’d designed this, a special discipline for me. I didn’t need to know His purpose, but I could rest knowing this was the reason I was here. He was being faithful to me.
Crazy … that’s how it sounds to most people when you say you’re fine with (even blessed) having epilepsy because God is using it for His glory and your benefit. But, for me, it was the truth. Over the course of many years I’ve had many tell me I need to be healed. Some believed me to have a demon deep within. Some sincerely wanted to see me healed. I wanted to see me healed. Being blessed by God’s molding and making gave me great desire for his healing touch, for when you’ve met with Jesus you just want more. I was crying out.
I knew from the very beginning that healing was possible. I believe God is the creator of the universe and sustains all things by his powerful word. So, he is more than able to heal me, but for a long time I didn’t believe that he would for one simple reason: He hadn’t told me. Working on me and being faithful in the midst of all of my pain, he’d communicated nothing along these lines. He was sustaining me. He was disciplining me. He was communicating so much, just not that. I had been crying out for complete healing for years, walking through the trial. But, there seemed to be still, silence when I asked about healing. I took it for his NO and rejoiced in the knowledge that God saw me and would continue to work out His plan in His time.