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January 24, 2011 … Jesus I love you!
”He will certainly accomplish what he has decreed for me” … Job 23:14
Remembering is important. We named our son eben buay. Eben is short for Ebenezer, meaning stone of help in Hebrew. An ebenezer is a place of remembrance. It allows us to recognize God has helped us this far and look forward with the understanding that GOD has done all these things and he will take us to the place of BEST. Jesus, YOU have helped us this far and YOU will continue to guide us. Buay means light of the world.
So yesterday, we had an Ebenezer moment and we’re marking it. Grant and I sat at the kitchen table and laughed. Let me tell you why …
Just six months ago now I was giving birth to the most beautiful child I’ve ever seen. He was perfect to me … I wanted so badly to keep him. But in the end, I had to let go. And in the aftermath of all that followed, the hospital staff provided many a person to check on my “emotional health.” Emblazoned on my mind is a woman who talked much and listened little, telling me what to expect in the days to come.
It went something like this: “The six month mark is where you need to be extremely careful. Be gentle with yourself. Many women at this time go through a period of deep depression and if you start to feel any signs of this at all please contact us so we can get you some good drugs, etc…” I left feeling like I should put it on the calendar and plan for it. If that helped the drone of information stop, I may have considered it.
Here I am, 6 months later … LAUGHING! (Please know I understand women go through post partum depression, it may be me one day, but this is the story of today and God is pouring out a measure of grace that I cannot begin to understand) – IT’S ALL GOD! So, we’re sitting, kind of gazing at each other (I love my husband) and talking about days full of AWESOME GOD HAPPENINGS when we realize what the date is. And grant recalls our meeting with the grief counselor who “talked much and listened little.” (FYI – this is her job) Lots of smiles and laughter ensue. (Have I mentioned … I love my husband!)
And as we realize the grace that’s been poured on our lives I see that Jesus-LIFE is just so opposite of the way the world works. You may have to walk through fire, but God makes all things new, brings life into dead spaces and resurrects those things in us we thought would not survive. It’s been six grueling months and Eben will always be with us, but Jesus always has been.
Before we had Eben we had chosen another name. God changed it, because he knew the purposes of his heart for this little man. He knew he would be an Ebenezer for us.
As I look back to what has been I know God is covering me with his hand and holding me through it all. And as I move forward, I can truly say He has done all these things and I’m excited to walk into everything He has with HIM.
Snow has been falling this week and I’ve been reminded about the people we truly are. A phenomenon began to take place outside our window this week and I have to admit I’ve been enjoying the progression of life here in our little city. White flakes are nothing less than drama in the south and the night before “the big snow” some people in our building were commenting on how there was no meat left at the grocer as the masses were stocking up as if the end of the world were near.
We woke the next morning to, well, nothing worth talking about and life moved on as normal. It was the next day, when it looked like all the reporters were wrong, that the snow came … just enough to keep grant home from work one day. As he worked, I watched the snow phenomena.
Below us, the little cars that ventured out were producing beautiful artistic blank features in the pavement making me wish my camera were charged. As the hours drew on I looked out my window to see, “Love My Wife!” etched in the snow below. I wondered … does someone really love their wife or do they want someone else to love their wife? A fair question I think, though I tend to want the romance.
The next day we moved from love to the frustration of dealing with snow I’m thinking as, “grrrrr!” appeared. Maybe for a completely different reason? In any case more messages were starting to appear and I feel as time drew on were bound to go downhill. It’s just our nature to be negative at some point about something.
The plow did come yesterday to sweep these away and I’m left with one.
Above all the others on a roof where no plow can reach is a snow covered square and on it a heart continues to remain. My thought is there must be a continual source of heat that just keeps this shape going, but God is reminding me that His love is unchanging, untouchable and that makes me smile.
It’s the little things … are you watching?
Dreary exhaustion has taken over and I find myself excited to move forward, but struggling to make the steps. I am in a new place, in a new year and much of the last season has already fallen away, but I can feel the remainder of all that has been, threatening to take hold. Packing remnants of our time with eben, last night I found myself questioning Grant about taking things to storage … “is this going to get lost? are you sure?” (ludicrous … i know!) I had been struggling in my mind to find a place for these things in the new apartment, struggling on another level with the letting go.
Tears brought me to a new realization of my forever state of love – ache. Like a mirror, this morning, the rain trickled down and I felt it wash over me (no umbrella). Seeing the rain, I saw God see me. It didn’t happen all at once, but as I spent time with him we conversed and rejoiced together developing another kind of love-ache. In a moment of love with Jesus, he is our vision. Intimacy produces a longing, a kind of love sickness, an ache to be where we belong.
I love the story of Hagar and her encounter with the Lord. (If you need a refresher check out Genesis 16 &21).
She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: “ You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.” Gen. 16: 13
Hagar responded to the Lord’s voice. She realized God had vision for her. Do you see God see you? He is speaking! I will respond, for I know I have seen the ONE who sees me.
As many of you have read the past months have been full of joy, heartache, and the emotions that come from rejoicing in a new season, yet having it end all too abruptly and oh, so silently. I want to be yielded to God’s plan and in the midst of this struggle God has met us in ways I believe we can only be met through pain. As my son rejoiced with Jesus we were giving thanks in tears, for we know this is God’s will for us:
Always rejoice, constantly pray, in everything give thanks. For this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Fast-forward … now a few months.
Just a few days ago I was wondering what God was getting ready to do. There was potential for us to move, potential for us to be in Flagler all our lives. Perhaps there would be a job, but maybe not. Nothing seemed secure and as I jumped on the elliptical that morning God brought to my attention the need to thank him FOR everything, not just IN everything.
Always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Ephesians 5:20
The tears began to fall. At first I could barely say the words. Thanking God FOR taking Eben home was a much bigger thing, it seemed, than thanking him in the midst of it. As I began to thank him for the care he’s given us over the last 6 months, knowing Eben is so fulfilled and taken care of, a calm took over and I could say the words a little bit louder and with more conviction. I’d not realized the depth of thanking him FOR ‘til that moment.
God speaks and if we are wise, we will listen. This last week has been one of change and questions … depending on Jesus essential. God began my day (a few ago) with this note from my brother, Jonathan. In the moments of time spent with Jesus, he’s been faithful to communicate his plans and purposes to a seeking heart. I pray it will encourage you as it has me.
It’s TIME: It’s time to let go and move across the river. It’s time to leave the shores of the past. It’s time to cut ties with the past season and cling to Jesus.
Many people have and will be suddenly moving, changing jobs, changing careers, entering new relationships and saying goodbye to old ones. It is a time of urgent positioning.
There will be a time after we let go that we will feel exposed, vulnerable and unsafe. We must trust Jesus and keep our eyes fixed on Him as we say yes to the future He has for us, much like when Jesus told Peter to come out on the water.
He will turn our mourning into dancing and our weeping into shouts of joy.
In between seasons is the time to praise and worship! Press in with praise to the Lord! As we praise Him, He will give us vision and direction. He will show you what you are to do.
God is speaking in real-time. We are catching up to the dreams and visions we have had.
It is a time to press into intimacy with the Lord. This will require us to give up things of the world we have clung to. God is calling us to a deeper level of commitment, of trust and dependence on Him.
Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things. Col. 3:2
You may notice a slight gap here … I feel I’ve been in a sea of disappointment for the last few weeks and am swimming, but just barely, in the waters of all that’s unknown; and I want so much to understand. But, I was made to trust. God reveals, I trust … respond, and then he brings the understanding (though it may not always be what I was looking for).
We (I say we, because this is very much a joint effort between my husband and I) went off the meds, cold turkey on a Monday morning just about two weeks ago. A day and a half later I was staring into the faces of our ambulance crew and I knew exactly what had happened. But, how could this be? God said he was going to heal me. Yes, he did. And, he did. I realize that. He has been faithful to do what he said he would do. For now, I will leave you with the knowledge that he healed my heart. Maybe one day I will share the story.
However, I was now being faced with this reality … he’d not healed my body. Why, not? I’ve spent more than a few days thinking about God’s purposes … the fact is they are HIS. I didn’t hear him wrong, but I did assume physical healing was on the docket. I was wrong, at least for now. Spiritual, emotional, … well, to be honest these things never entered my mind. My mind was not on eternal things. This has been the process of God changing me … God, in his love has something greater, though right now … well, it doesn’t feel great! And, the knowledge that I’m far from perfect is completely in my face – ouch!
If someone (even God) were to say, “You are going to be healed,” what’s the first thing that would come to your mind? It’s just something to think about, for though we’re made for heaven we live so often according to the pattern of this world and it is not who we are meant to be!
Don’t get me wrong, God is definitely in the physical healing business and has healed my own body on occasion. But, if we’re more concerned with the physical than the eternal, with the things of the earth than those things above, I’m convinced we’re missing the purpose of God’s heart. I had to admit this last week my mind, though very much on God’s ability to heal, was not on things above. I go to church every Sunday, I read the bible every day … and I’ve been missing Jesus! It’s easy to get distracted with the things of this world. I don’t want to exist in that place … I want to LIVE!
After Eben’s birth I was ready to throw caution to the wind … meds in the trash. Wisdom and accountability, however, did not allow me this luxury. Grant (my husband) was not in the place of abandoning reason … I believe God has given him much wisdom and as my head, before God, I am to honor him. But, Grant was not on a journey towards my going off the meds. He wanted proof. What happens when God has spoken so clearly and your spouse is just not quite there?
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in marriage it’s this … no amount of nagging nor manipulation is as effective as letting God do his work in the life of your mate. When I do the work — disaster!!! So, I came before the Lord. I knew God had directed our hearts together on the matter of healing in the first place. Surely he could bring us into unison regarding its completion and the steps to take in light of that.
I watched in the next weeks God work his heart into ours. Grant’s heart began to turn towards getting off the meds … mine began a process of learning once again to wait. As we continued to pray and rejoice together God was bringing us to a place of unity.
We are waiting … some days I wonder why. But, God is working his plan in our lives and His purpose will prevail! Days go by and I’m still swallowing pills. In the grand scheme of things … pills or none, it’s really just about walking with Jesus. We may wander and fall and desperately struggle to survive this broken world, but the only way is Jesus … I’ll throw caution to the wind for Him … any day!
I find as people we are so quick to dismiss the workings of God in our lives. We see him so clearly, but dismiss his power. We stand in awe of his creation, but reason the science of it to something we can understand. Isn’t there a beauty in not knowing?
At the same time I write this my mind says … wait, I want to KNOW, see, be sure. Hebrews 11: 1 says, now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Interesting, that we can be sure of something we have never seen. It is a blessed thing to believe.
Now, armed with the understanding that God’s heart was a cure I was confident he would do it.
I believe he already HAS.
This brings us to the present and days go by much like this: “Lord, show us your timing for getting off these meds” … four times a day, meds down the hatch … and, each time I think … here I go, taking meds I don’t need … do I? I rejoice and wonder with every swallow.
Waiting for the manifestation of this … the seeing with our eyes, the understanding that no meds are necessary … this requires a faith step. As God teaches us his heart in the waiting, we rejoice in the healing of Jesus and look forward to the faith step he has for us … we must take it.
“How do you define healing?” Sigh. Sitting in my neurologists office just over a month ago now I was hearing the reality of my condition, the questions lingering in my dr., and the wisdom that comes from dealing with epilepsy day in and day out. I had just had an eeg (measure of brain activity) and explained God’s message of healing to our doctor.
The news from the eeg was good. Usually there are spikes all over my brain. This time there was one at the front of my brain. This was exciting to me, but a warning to her – she would not recommend moving off meds. That was the reality she could see right now. Still, God was bigger than man’s wisdom. I couldn’t help smiling!
Another factor entered in … I’d been pregnant. Sometimes pregnant women will experience a lull in seizure activity for a time, due to the hormones present in the body. Eventually they return to their previous state. The change is typically not a permanent thing. According to her, pregnancy could NOT heal this condition. I was more excited … I wasn’t expecting to be healed by pregnancy, but by the almighty hand of God!
In addition, there was a possibility that my sickness “with production” hadn’t affected anything since I had not been throwing up. All arguments about meds not being delivered effectively were being thrown out the window. It seemed as if everything I could look to as “evidence” was being pulled out from under me. But, this was not about evidence … this was about trusting the word of the Lord.
From the patient perspective I want all the information a dr. can give me. On this particular day, however, I just wanted someone to believe me. But, once again, the argument I’d heard many times over entered in … there are many ways to be healed, one of those being medication. I’d always dismissed it. BELIEVING God would heal me I’d not questioned the very definition, but this time was different. I felt I needed to ask him … what was his real plan here? Was there a healing he was bringing that didn’t look like what I understood it to be?
Jesus is beautiful! Before I even asked, he showed up … Matthew 4 was the chapter for the day and as I read verse 24 I longed to understand this word, healed.
… “So they brought to Him all those who were afflicted, those suffering from various diseases and intense pains, the demon-possessed, the epileptics, and the paralytics. And He healed them.”
Searching healed, I found it meant to serve, do service, to heal, cure and restore to health. This was not a partial “healing” with medication, not something that required up-keep, nor future detriment to the body. No, this was a cure. This healing was complete and utterly beautiful. I found this was not only a cure, but a love note. In greek the word was yerapeuw (pronounced ther-ap-yoo-o … makes me think of therapy) and was from the same word as yerapwn (pronounced therapon), meaning: a voluntary performer of services, whether as a freeman or a slave. The word is a noble and tender one, relating a desire to serve instead of a compulsion to. These were synonyms.
I had never asked this question of definition before … now, that I was here I’d been given an answer. God was in the business of a cure. He was choosing to heal my body, to restore me to health. I’d read over and over these pages before, yet God had chosen this day to reveal his heart in this way.
I long to know more of Jesus. More of who he is, more of who he made me to be. For I know, though I’m healed, my body will one day fail and I will truly be in His presence. Healing here on earth … it’s but a glimpse.
Weeks faded away and before I knew it I was in the midst of another graduation. My grandmother went to see Jesus and I know she is having the time of her LIFE! My family, on the other hand, stayed behind and grieved the woman we have come to love so very much. I cried some that week, but it was strangely comforting to know Jesus has them both … my grandma and my son are together now; and I will spend eternity with them, with the Lord and so many more … I can’t even imagine.
Our return trip brought more sickness for me, lasting two months. I had bacteria called c.difficile … I’m not a fan! Basically, nothing stays in your body … it’s difficult (appropriately named c.diff.) for epilepsy drugs like mine that are time-released. That means a certain percentage releases into the blood stream immediately and the rest hangs out in the body to release later in the day, ensuring steady coverage. However, when you have sickness with “production” as we call it, all medication is eliminated before it can deliver the proper dose.
After 5 straight days of this elimination I had experienced no seizures. Understand this is phenomenal! Usually after one to two days of this type of sickness I would have had some sort of episode. To me this was great evidence of God’s working in my body. It seemed proof of healing, at the least protection. Others were not so sure. Physically exhausted and tired in spirit I found discouragement knocking on the door … feelings demanding their place over the knowledge of God. When would the struggle cease?
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