healing journey part 4: when we wonder and cry

Jeremiah 29:13: You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Conflict tore at my soul once again.  Every so often I’d question God’s plan in my life regarding the concept of healing.  Was he willing to heal me now?  I’d just returned home from my weekly bible study, having been prayed and prophesied over (not a usual occurrence).  Many had prayed for my healing over the years, but few had spoken over me with deep conviction and the assurance that comes with a word from the Lord.  Here I was, however, warring with the possibility of healing based on these words from another: “I believe God’s saying He’s going to heal you.”

Really?  He hadn’t told me.   What was God doing?  I knew God could speak through other people.  But, why not just tell me?  I was available and listening! How could I know if this was a word from the Lord?  There was only one- way … wait and see:

Deut. 18:22 Whenever a prophet speaks in my name and the prediction is not fulfilled, then I have not spoken it; the prophet has presumed to speak it, so you need not fear him.”

Face to face with my doubt and a mounting confusion brought on by the questions my heart had been battling, I ran for cover.  I knew no answer, save one, but He was always enough.  Time with Jesus brought me to this place: understanding … he is the great physician, but at the time, that was not his word for me.  As much as I read passages about physical healing I didn’t sense the Holy Spirit speaking his purpose to do that in me.  If he was truly speaking that word to others for me, and it was his word, he would confirm that to me in his time.  I would see the prediction fulfilled.  If not, it wasn’t His plan in the first place.

Heeding others claiming to know what I needed always brought me to a place of dilemma.  Meeting with Jesus, things seemed so clear and simple.  He let me have questions and be confused and wonder and cry at his feet and as I lay my heart bare before him I once again felt free.  I was free to keep praying for healing.  God wanted me to cry out for the desire of my heart … the desire for healing he’d placed there.  He also wanted me to persevere in the reality of my condition knowing that He was able and would guide me along straight paths.  I didn’t have to fret or try to manipulate it or figure it out.  I just had to seek Him with all my heart.  He’d do the rest.  And, he has.