“I’m not God.” She said it again today. It wasn’t the first time our dr. has mentioned her all knowing inability. Delivered as most other pieces of information, the good news, potential bad news, facts and potentialities, this statement I find most comforting. Though there is much we can see, there is much we cannot.
The ultrasound today continued to reveal new things, confirm what we’ve been seeing for several weeks now and allow us to see the little one God is creating inside me. This is HIS realm. We were excited today to see our little one move. For the past 7 weeks we have been watching a baby with little to no movement. In comparison to early pregnancy movement it’s very little, but after such stillness this was beautiful.
Movement is aided by fluid in the womb and today we saw more fluid as well. We are not sure how much is there, but it is the most there has been since I lost it week 15.
Good news was tempered with questions of what may really be happening with the fluid inside. Our ultrasound was able to catch a view of a membrane that has detached from a layer of membrane usually connected to it. Fluid was inside this membrane, as well as outside. Inside is likely amniotic fluid, praise God! Some question remains as to what the other is. Could it be more amniotic fluid, or is it blood? The latter may suggest internal hemorrhaging, though I have no visible clinical signs. Blood panels were taken today and results should return soon regarding this issue.
Thank you for your continued prayers. We know God will do that which He has purposed!
Thank you all for your prayers in regards to my epilepsy. We treasure them … we treasure you! I have great news on that front: As of May 17, 2010 I have been seizure free for 6 months. Glory to God! We continue to move forward in the grace he provides, still praying for complete healing as He has promised for this earthly body. I am so thankful for LIFE!
As some of you may know we are expecting a baby October 5th, 2010. We are excited to see what God does through the life of this child. This baby belongs to the Lord, and was definitely a surprise for us. Fifteen weeks into the pregnancy my water broke. We went to the hospital and they confirmed that my membranes had ruptured and there was no more amniotic fluid in my system. We were told that after the sack breaks 40 percent of women go into labor within 48 hours, 70 percent within one week. We were also given the option to terminate pregnancy.
Not wanting to terminate we opted to wait. 48 hours passed, then one week … two weeks, three, four, five, six. We are now at 21, almost 22 weeks. We have and are learning so much about babies and the process of birth and the human body. It is truly incredible … LIFE.
Currently, the baby’s heart is still beating. Each time we see the dr. it is normal and strong. However, the lungs have not developed to where they should be at this point due to the lack of fluid in the womb. Babies use amniotic fluid to expand their lung capacity in the womb, which is crucial for survival outside of the womb. This is just one of its functions, so you can imagine the difficulty without it.
At the same time, my placenta is starting to deteriorate. This has been ongoing for about two weeks now, so we’re monitoring everything very carefully. The placenta is really the baby’s lifeline. If it goes, so does the baby.
Our God is a big God. He created this child and He can heal. We also know His plans may be different than ours, so we’re leaving this in His very capable hands and waiting with all praise, honor and glory to Him for whatever He brings.
How do you renew something that’s been left alone so long? I find it so much easier to replace all the things to be done with a longer list that needs doing. Instead of calling on that one bill I wait until they turn into ten. Why do now what you can put off until tomorrow? Yet remaining are those things I can’t get out of my mind, sitting there like a log, waiting to be removed.
For six months I’ve been waiting for my heart to release this urgency, this stumbling block to my days … the one thing I think about doing while making lists to avoid. Each time I’ve purposed a true attempt I hit a wall. Almost always there is something to cook, to clean … something demanded of me from the outside world. So I’ve been fighting the urge to create in order to maintain.
Setting aside all previous struggles I sat down last week to write what I was sure would become the first of many entries. One paragraph later my heart was laid bare and before me was the truth of my wall. Fear was holding me hostage in a castle of unknowns. Who would read this? Would they hate it? Could I handle someone seeing my heart? Would God continue to be with me in this?
It was the pain of the last question that brought me to tears and has reminded me how easy it is to forget. Of course I knew God was with me but I did clearly not trust him right now. Why not? I had no reason not to. He had never given me reason not to. We’d been through some painful stuff together and he was always there. Could he not handle this? NO … HE CAN!
So, setting aside the past six months, we begin again. No walls and hopefully a whole lot of trust and obey.
We have compiled all the updates that were sent out during both the big seizure episodes, first in January and then in June. In case you missed these, now you can reference them. They are located on the page called “Epilepsy” which can be found in the upper left hand corner of the site. They are listed oldest to newest. Quite a journey.