walls.

Photo By: Kimberly Blok

It’s been weeks, no … months since I last wrote a line, a memo.  I’ve been in what I call a slump.  That’s the sugary way to say it. Part of this comes from accepting the lazy tendency that demands her way.  The reality is, I have walked right into the trap of doing nothing and filling my life with my wants and pleasures.  I’ve chosen sin.

I’ve been struggling.  I sat in our apt., surrounded by beauty the other day and all I could see was the wall.  Directly in front of me was a wall so secure I’d no way to cross it.  A wall so tall I’d no way to get over.  My wall needed to come down, so I sat and said, “Lord, what is up?”

It was a frustrated, flippant question that dared asking, but wasn’t ready for an answer. I was asking God to show me what my issues were, but I really didn’t want to know.  I did … and, I didn’t.

We tend to do this.   We run.   We don’t really understand the heart of God and why wouldn’t we be scared?  He may ask us to actually do something that would change our lives.  It might be amazing, but it might just rock us a little more than we want to be rocked.

I like to think I don’t mind a bit of rocking, but in reality I like the calm much better than the storm.  I know the storm with Jesus is a beautiful place to be and he’s taught me to walk IN HIM in it.  But I still fight this battle with the flesh that means I sometimes flee from the one I love and then run back, tears pouring down my face, wishing I were meant to be strong.  Relying on Jesus is challenge for me.

And that’s where this story begins.  I cannot write apart from him and without him there are always walls.  Only IN HIM do my walls come down.  He’s had to bring me to this once again in the last few weeks.  I’m to write about what’s real. Real is me: fallen, broken and saved by a Father who calls fallen, broken people.   He is revealing my sin and breaking all the walls.  It’s not pretty all the time, but it’s going to be a beautiful thing.

Rom 5:8 But, God demonstrates His own love for us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.