We Begin Again

How do you renew something that’s been left alone so long?  I find it so much easier to replace all the things to be done with a longer list that needs doing.  Instead of calling on that one bill I wait until they turn into ten.    Why do now what you can put off until tomorrow?  Yet remaining are those things I can’t get out of my mind, sitting there like a log, waiting to be removed.

For six months I’ve been waiting for my heart to release this urgency, this stumbling block to my days … the one thing I think about doing while making lists to avoid.  Each time I’ve purposed a true attempt I hit a wall.  Almost always there is something to cook, to clean … something demanded of me from the outside world.  So I’ve been fighting the urge to create in order to maintain.

Setting aside all previous struggles I sat down last week to write what I was sure would become the first of many entries.  One paragraph later my heart was laid bare and before me was the truth of my wall.  Fear was holding me hostage in a castle of unknowns.  Who would read this? Would they hate it?  Could I handle someone seeing my heart?  Would God continue to be with me in this?

It was the pain of the last question that brought me to tears and has reminded me how easy it is to forget.  Of course I knew God was with me but I did clearly not trust him right now.  Why not?  I had no reason not to.  He had never given me reason not to.  We’d been through some painful stuff together and he was always there.  Could he not handle this?  NO … HE CAN!

So, setting aside the past six months, we begin again.   No walls and hopefully a whole lot of trust and obey.